I woke up today in the middle of the first week of month 6 of my training plan for my Ironman. Wednesday. Brick day. Every Wednesday for the past 5 months has been Brick day. Just like every Monday is my day off, every Tuesday I have a long swim followed by an hour bike, every Thursday I have a long swim followed by an hour bike, Friday I have an hour run with an optionally long swim, Saturday I have my long ride/short run brick, Sunday long run. Ask me when I am 99 years old and I will most likely be able to still tell you this training plan. One of the things I cannot wait for is to wake up on a Tuesday and bike! Or say FUCK IT and not work out at all. That sounds so good. Pizza does too. I just ate too but that means nothing. Pizza. Yum.
So I was reading on this Women's Tri Facebook page and I saw a woman post about doing her 103rd Ironman. Say what? 103? What? NO. This lady is certainly insane. I mean I am trying to do math here, so if she is 60 and she started at 30, that is 103/30...3.43 a year. Yah screw that. I am doing 1. 1 and done. She must love herself. Or hate herself. Or love pizza. Because right now I am having both feelings about myself throughout any given day.
16 hours I am up a day. 14 of them I am thinking about the Ironman. The other 2 I am shoving my face with food and still most likely thinking about it. Everything I do is Ironman. I am so sick of the word I could scream. Most people can't wait to cross the finish line and here, "You, You are an Ironman." I can't wait to cross the finish line and kiss this part of my life goodbye. Part of me is obviously joking, but mostly I am not. You know at mile 20 of a marathon you swear to god you will never do another and then you cross the finish line and can't wait till your next one. Yah no. No way. I am so over this. I want to enjoy life again. This to me is not fun. For those of you that do multiple and enjoy it, well, you guys are freaking amazing. I have had moments where I hate my bike, my shoes, the wind, every single asshole that passes me, and mostly I hate myself. Yes myself. When I cry myself to sleep at night because I just can't even think about getting up for the fifth weekend in a row and biking over 80 miles and following it up with a marathon long run the next day, well I just hate myself for thinking I could do this.
This is real. This is me. I don't want any comments on how I am almost there and how I will enjoy the day. I may, I may not. All too often I read race reports and training reports and people tell you how much they grew, how much they loved training, loved the race. I am being 100% honest here in saying that most days I truly hate myself and hate that I am doing this. I hate the self doubt I have because I am still not sure if I can finish. It won't be till I cross that line either that I know I could. 4 months ago I had more confidence than I do now. I am tired, I am hungry, I want a date night with my husband, I want a night out getting drunk with my friends and not worrying about a workout the next day. I want to not be in my head overthinking everything, telling myself I can't do it, imagining injuries that aren't there, and feeling so exhausted I am terrified I will be sick for my next long workout.
I won't lie. This has been life changing for me. Just not all in a good way. Training is hard. Mentally and physically. I know some people do not do the training and still finish. What I will tell you is, especially over the past 3 weeks, the amount of hours I have put in while training has to be harder than the race. I know the race will be really fucking hard I know that so please, Ironman, do not misread me here. I am just saying training is a lot of the work in earning the title here. There have been days that I want to say NO. NO more. I wanted to Tuesday. I was so damn tired and felt so weak from the weekend but I got there and did my swim. I had to cut it a little short for safety reasons but I went and tried, and I ran my entire run after completely exhausted. If for some reason I do not finish, and it will have to take something major for me to not finish, they will have to drag me off the course, I will be more proud of myself than I have ever been. For so many reasons.
I am strong right now. I am not the fastest I have been. Hell no my running is so slow. But I can last. I can bike for 6-7 hours and turn around and run and feel ok. I can run the next day for 2-3 hours and feel ok. The biggest part is I know once I start I can do the training. I may freak out but once I am out there my body just does it. Some nights I lay in bed and have panic attacks but once I am out there I can do it. When I used to give up, now I go longer. What used to be my long days now are my short days.
I have gotten to know myself. 6 hours alone in the country, well you get into your own head pretty well. I know my strengthens and I know my weaknesses. I know what I am afraid of. I know what I want out of life. I have spent so many hours alone and had so much time to just think. I quit my job and I have not once regretted it. I worked for 3 years unhappy and for once I am not stressed about work, worried how other people are going to effect me. I am excited about the possibilities that are ahead. I am nervous about them, but I know no matter what it will be better.
I know that Cory and I can last through about anything. I know he is my rock when I am at my lowest. When I have told him I am giving up, that I am done he has brought me back and helped me through a sleepless night. When all the stress from work and all the stress from training was at it's worst and I couldn't handle it and we had night after night of fighting and misery, he was able to bring me back from almost giving up. I have had many people joke about Ironman breaking up marriages and it is no joke. It is hard. He is such a strong support for me. This isn't his dream. But he is letting me have my dream and giving up a lot of his own wants for it.
So this is not a completely bad blog. Parts of this have been great. The fact that I feel stronger and I know myself and I can eat an entire pizza by myself are all great. But I won't lie and sugarcoat it. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done and maybe I am not made for this. I will make it, I want it too bad to not and I have put my freaking ALL into this year that I am too stubborn to fail. So I will hear them say Nicole, You are an Ironman. Then I will walk away a better person and eat an entire pizza and drink 6 beers. And do I absolutely know I won't do this again? Well no. My training partner Aldo may one day say he is doing one and I may have a brain lapse and decide to do another because I am just stupid. But this has not been fun and games. This has been tough shit. It is almost there. Thank gosh. I thank all the people who have put there time training with me, or just listening to be vent,cry, complain, etc. It has helped me more than you will ever know. Sept 24 can not come and go fast enough! I am sure that day will be a day I will never forget!
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