This is my first blog, so go easy on me. This will not be heart warming, which is why I started a blog instead of sending in another article to SWRC. This is not material that everyone will want to read.
I am getting over a stress fracture, as all of you that will take the time to read this already know. I spent three months dreaming about my first run back! I was so ready. I do not mean the run/walks I had to do to get ready for my first run, I mean my first 30 minutes of pure running joy. It was not joy. It did not make me feel whole again. It was definitely not the wonderful event I expected after 3 months of not running. Let me explain....
I am not sure what I was expected. I have made many stupid choices in my life but overall I tend to think of myself as a pretty intelligent person. So why I thought the pain would magically disappear and I would have a wonderful, tears of joy at the end of it run, is beyond me. It hurt. Bad. Enough to make me question whether I should be back to running at all. I saw my trusty doctor and he gave me the go ahead. He told me there would be pain, set backs, and I would always be prone to hip stress fractures. I wanted to punch him. You mean I followed every suggestion, spent all my race money on therapy, MRI and x-rays, and sat out for 3 months to still feel the same pain I was feeling before. So am I healed or not? Well we won't exactly know because an MRI will still show it is broke..... I stopped listening somewhere at this point. I was happy to be able to continue to run and believe me, I realize I am more fortunate than others, but it still stings...
That was a few weeks ago. I am up to running 37 minutes tonight. I have found that running on the DREADmill hurts less than running outside. Actually last week during one of my 33 minute runs I had no pain. YEAH! But my excitement is basically gone. This is the point I finally get sad. Believe me when I say this, I was even impressed how well I took everything the last 3 months! Before the stress fracture the idea of not running was as bad as death (seriously you can ask my boyfriend, mom, friends). So when I showed up at races to volunteer and cheer my friends on and had a REAL smile, yes I was actually ok with it, I was shocked! Now it is harder to put on that real smile. I can't do speed work, I can't race fast, I can't really participate in the Illinois marathon training because I can't run that far. When I run it is usually on the treadmill, on my own, boring and sad.
So my main point of this is, how do I forgive running. I mean, I look forward more to my swim and bike workouts, even core workouts (COME ON!) than I do running. When will I be able to stop looking for the pain every single time I run? Is it there or just in my head. Will I always be nervous before I run instead of being excited like I use to be. I am terrified I lost the love for it because it hurt me. You know, like running cheated on me and I am having a hard time forgiving it and letting it back in. I am only human. I guess I have to remind myself that it was once one of the most important things in my life and it will come back in time.
I know deep down I am a life long runner. It will come back and I will love it once again. It was too important to me to just throw it out after my first real obstacle with it. But until I get that feeling I once had for it, I will try to remember the good times I had with it! I mean the friends I made while running have been right by my side through this whole obstacle, that alone says enough to bring me back!
niki.lake@facebook.com
