Last year I biked 80 miles for the first time. I remember I was a mix of emotions. Exhausted, proud, depressed. This past weekend I rode 122 for the first time and all I could think was how far I have come from last year. When I started out that ride last year I wasn't sure I would make 80. This year I was almost positive unless something went wrong with my bike, I would make my goal. One major change from last year in me, confidence.
I just started week 21 of my training program. Week 21 of 30. For those of you that have trained for a marathon you know most training plans for marathons are 16 weeks. The fact I have made it this far is enough to make me proud. I will cross that finish line! I have that confidence now. I didn't know that a month ago. And tomorrow I may think I can't do it. It has been a ride...and swim and run haha. I have questioned almost every day if I have enough to do this. At the beginning of this training most days I didn't think I did. But lately I have been thinking I have it. Maybe I am just too tired to worry, too tired to debate it in my head. But the more miles I put in the more I get to know myself, the more confident I get.
It is funny what swimming 2 miles a few times a week, biking hours after hours a week, or running on tired legs, all alone, will do for a person. Each week when I begin to think I can't do the next workout because I am exhausted I start it and realize I can do it. This Sunday I was pretty tired after my long bike. I laid in bed extra late debating if I had my long run in me. I started later than normal and it was hot, I was tired, I had to walk a little more than usual. But guess what, I got it done. It wasn't fast but it was confidence building and I think when you are training for an Ironman or Marathon that is one of the most important things. It is amazing what your body can do when you quit telling your mind you can't do it.
At the beginning of this journey Cory and I made a deal. This would be the year of my Ironman, and next year I wouldn't sign up for any major race so we could travel and enjoy summer without me worrying about training. Cory has been amazing, Even when I am exhausted, crying, yelling at him telling him he isn't there for me enough and I need more, and that I should just drop this goal he lets me get it out. This past weekend he put me first, like many, and did all the stuff around the house and ran all the errands on Saturday then took me out to dinner for me to just come right home and fall asleep. Then he worked all day Sunday and took me out for ice cream that night. He is letting me have this year and I could not do it without him.
I have missed out on going out with friends, I am having problems juggling my schedule with family related activities, work, and a tough training schedule. One of my friends has asked me several times to do things and every single time I have had a long workout. I know she is hurt, but this is me right now. I knew this from the start. I joke about how I am glad the Cubs won the WS last year because I can't stay up late to watch all the games and come September I will be too busy to watch most of them. I wanted to go to a real game, I wanted to go on a brewery tour, I wanted to go somewhere and hike....I just don't have the time this year.
So training long hours, not seeing friends and family, missing out on fun summer activities with my husband, being exhausted 99% of the time....well no one said training for an Ironman would be easy! I also never expected it to be. Popular quote, "If it was easy, everyone would do it." This week I get a small break because I planned around my family reunion. I am so excited for a whole Saturday off of working out. That does mean more working out longer hours on the other days but to have a whole Saturday off right now seems like a gift! After this weekend it is just crazy until taper time.
It will be here before I know it and then it will be done and will I miss it? I don't think I will. Right now I am thinking this will be a one and done. Could I change my mind, absolutely. At this point though it is a lot. It takes a lot of hours, a lot of dedication, a lot of sacrifice. It is completely time consuming. Many other Ironman say I will change my mind, maybe it is easier for them, I am not sure how it can be haha, especially some of my elite friends who train even harder than I do.
One thing I have been struggling with is people's view of what is an Ironman. I have heard people say if you don't get a certain time, like under 14 hours, or if you don't do a certain number of them, or if the swim gets cancelled that you aren't a true Ironman. I say fuck that. I say those people are mean. I have put some many hours into becoming strong enough to even sign up, to even step foot on the start line. If I finish under 16 hours 15 minutes and never do another tri event again in my life you know what, I am an Ironman. This has already been the most daunting thing I have ever done in my entire life and I feel anyone who does this deserves that title if they finish in the allowed time.
So week 21! I am in the 3rd stage! It is freaking real! 9 weeks. A little over 2 months. HOLY CRAP!!! What am I doing? What have I done? I can't wait for this crap to be done!! Look at this my only day off training during the week and I am wasting time talking about training!!
One last thing, through the tears, stress, sore muscles, lost time, hurt feelings, anxiety, and everything else I have never been more proud and impressed with myself. I feel in shape, I feel good, I feel like I can eat the entire fridge and be ok with it!! Tonight I am going to watch the Cubs, drink a beer, have a conversation with my husband, play Frisbee with Remy (inside it is too hot out.) Tomorrow I am going to get back up and continue to kick this Ironman training's ass and grow my confidence day by day. Who knows, maybe by the end of this training I will have finally figured out the question of who I want to be when I grow up :)- 144.6, here I come!! do I get extra points for going 4 miles longer?!?
